Thursday, June 7, 2007
COLLIDE-O-SCOPE part 13: SQUAGGROTH JR.
SQUAGGROTH JR. -- Reluctant would-be World Conqueror and Evil Overlord
One of H.E.R.P.E.S’ many wicked schemes included a plot to conjure up an ancient elder god called Squaggroth, who would grant them near-limitless power in gratitude for being released from his centuries-old prison. Squaggroth was supposed to begin a revenge-laden spree of destruction and debauchery upon gaining his freedom, but when the complicated spells and rites were complete, Squaggroth’s actual appearance didn’t quite measure up to DOCTOR HEDONISM’s expectations. The ancient tome of spells made Squaggroth out to be a hideous and twisted malevolent beast whose very countenance inspired madness and insanity, but the centuries had not been kind to the elder god. What they got was a withered, depressed and lazy bum of a “god” who just wanted to sit on the couch, eat greasy snacks and catch up on all the good TV shows he’d missed.
There was a slight glimmer of hope, however. Squaggroth had sired a son, who was destined to be even more foul and merciless than his father. With reluctant and grunting help from Squaggroth, DOCTOR HEDONISM and his fellow H.E.R.P.E.S. cronies tracked down SQUAGGROTH JR., only to be disappointed again. As is typical of many teenagers, SQUAGGROTH JR. had rebelled against is parents, choosing to forsake his destiny and ignore his potential in favor of hanging out on street corners, spray painting graffiti on alley walls, and hassling cops. DOCTOR HEDONISM had put too much time and effort into his scheme to give up, however, so they kidnapped SQUAGGROTH JR., taking him back to H.E.R.P.E.S. headquarters and hoping to instill the sort of values and character into him that his father obviously neglected to -- the sort of values that would cause him to rise up and enslave humanity, laying waste to the earth and devouring all who oppose him!